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| Its the lack of sunlight.
It must be at least partially to blame for why i've been so down these days. I get up at noon or later, and the sun is down by 4:30 -- and it isn't like I'm out much during that time because its cold. There is only enough time for me to asian-walk over to commons and eat a lot and walk back.
I want to go out when it is bright and sunny and maybe that is why I'm staying up all night. The truth is that I can't sleep because I had too much caffeine but its nice to pretend there is a more beautiful reason -- like my desire to see the sunrise. But this can only end badly -- like me taking an 8 hour nap in the middle of the day tomorrow and feeling like shit when I wake up groggy at midnight.
I'm ready for this one exam to be over -- although I'm getting a B in the class most likely and I could do for more studying. I feel like tests should be midterms and finals should be exams, instead of midterms and finals, and then exams referring to both perhaps? I don't know. I don't care. And I actually am really incredibly tired. But for some reason I just can't fall asleep.
I think life is going ok but I'm just so negative. And not even electronegative. I'm not drawing anyone in. | | |
| Oh, how your laughter brings me back, my love
To those days my hair was colored plum.
And we dyed it in secret in my old bathtub
And you washed out the color, such a motherly love.
And, don't you worry, darling.
Don't you fret my dear.
I'll never tell of the secrets we shared as long as
You will keep them as well.
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| I have to drive
I have my reasons, dear
It’s cold outside
I hate the seasons here
I suffer mornings most of all
I feel so powerless and small
By ten o’clock I’m back in bed
Fighting the jury in my head
You learn to drive
It’s only natural, dear
You drive all night
We haven’t slept in years
We suffer mornings most of all
We saw you lying in the road
We tried to dig a decent grave
But it’s still no way to behave
It is a delicate position
Spin the bottle
Pick the victim
Catch a tiger
Switch directions
If he hollers
Break his ankles
To protect him
We’ll have to drive
They’re getting closer
Just get inside
It’s almost over
We will save your brothers
We will save your cousins
We will drive them far away
From streets and lights
From all signs of bad mankind
We suffer mornings most of all
Wake up all bleary eyed and sore
Forgetting everything we saw
(I’ll meet you in an hour
at the car)
Amanda Palmer.
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| I don't want to be negative. I hate that I think to myself "I hate this place. I hate everything about it," because then I tell myself "thats not true, you are just being negative."
But what I'm really afraid of is the chance that the truth might be that I really do hate this place. I spend a lot of the time feeling like I'm ok and I there is usually someone to talk to on some level or another.. But it feels so empty. I wanted college to be something amazing -- everything I dreamed of and more. I thought there was no way that would happen if I went to UNC, and that I would be full of regrets. But maybe I would have been happier there.
At Science and Math, I managed to find 5 lifelong friends in 600. There are nearly 10,000 people here. I know the right crowd has to be out there somewhere. But how the hell do I go about finding them? I thought I would be miserable at UNC because I would have the same close friends and wouldn't meet any new people. But maybe thats better than being here and feeling completely alone in everything I do.
I think the academics at this place are wonderful for the most part, and that, and going to the gym, keeps me going. My life is so empty other than that. I've opened myself up all I possibly can right now.. Maybe I should try and sleep again.
Well, no matter what. I'm not alone. It doesn't matter how rarely I talk to you. It doesn't matter how different we've become. At least I have you, and I know you care about me.. | | |
| "I shall never grow up, make believe is much to fun." I wonder what I am doing here. Why am I not taking 5 classes? Why am I not focusing on important things? I guess at some point in time, enjoying myself became a priority, and I'm just going to have to respect that. I miss this smiley  . I always thought it was cute. I remember when you used to have to go on someone elses site and get the source code for it and put it in your html, when all of the text edit tools were only a function of "premium." Or maybe smileys were always an option and I just made that up... haha. I'm getting to old for this. | | |
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